"Physically Attractive People Have It All" And Other BS We Tell Ourselves
“My worth as a person depends on how I look”
“Physically attractive people have it all”
“If people knew how I really look, they probably wouldn’t like me so much”
“My life would be happier if I looked a certain way”
“I don’t need to change my body image; I need to change my body”
Chances are, you’ve had some of these thoughts before. These are common assumptions we make about our appearance in order to protect ourselves. Not from a threat like a lion obviously, but from perceived social threats: not finding a partner, not being able to keep that partner’s eye from wandering, being judged when we’re naked, not fitting in to some social group, not fitting some appearance mould at work, being unable to impress or win the respect from someone, some group of people or your entire IG following, etc.
The problem is that these assumptions that we make to protect ourselves end up having the exact opposite effect — they are self deprecating and promote self rejection. They can be loosely translated to “the way I look is not enough, my appearance is the source of my unhappiness, I will not be liked or respected for as long as I look this way.” Ouch.
Now, a disclaimer before we keep going: this not to say that all grooming or changing of your appearance is bad; that is not the case. However, changing your appearance to mask or hide some perceived flaw can be problematic in the absence of self-acceptance. We should seek to adopt an approach to grooming that finds a happy medium between getting more glammed up when we want to, but being comfortable in our appearance without the addition of cosmetics, beautiful clothes or more permanent alterations. I talk about this more in the article: “How to Improve Your Body Image - Tried and Tested Methods.”
Body image is a topic very close to my heart. I spent years trying to change my weight, thinking that if I was thin enough I’d get the boy back. When I realised being skinny wasn’t the be all and end all, I moved on to strive for the fit ideal: if I was lean enough people would listen to what I had to say and I could be successful in my chosen field. Once I was finally accepting of my weight, I masked my skin tone with a fresh fake tan every week for five f*cking years. I learned to accept some part of me, only to graduate on to rejecting some other part. This cycle was destined to continue until I really, truly, whole heartedly overhauled the misguided assumptions I held about the way I looked; something I think I have just completed the process of. It’s taken 12 years. Ooft.
Desperate to be thin, 45kg 2010.
Desperate to be lean, 57kg 2012. Would you believe I cried the day before this because I thought I wasn’t lean enough? wtf.
Progressively few f*cks to give, much more self accepting, little more work to do, 2019.
Overhauling long-standing appearance assumptions is a big job. It’s one thing to question them lightly; it’s another thing to challenge your deepest held beliefs and wrestle with the discomfort for as long as it takes to take the f*cker down. To overhaul these restrictive assumptions, you must question their validity, test their validity and reveal their mistruths. In this article, we’ll do just that to the common appearance assumptions I listed at the opening of this article, these assumptions that we ironically initially cultivated for purpose of self protection.
1. “My worth as a person depends on how I look".”
This assumption is at the very root of most body image problems. It asserts that your physical appearance is the only or the most crucial aspect of who you are. It makes you believe that you are defined by your looks more than the qualities of your personality, your actions and your experiences. It pressures you in to minimising your many amazing qualities that have nothing to do with your looks.
This is a common experience for many and sadly, we don’t even realise we have done this to ourselves. I’ve felt this myself — that unless I look a certain way, certain people will think less of me. Getting over the other side of that has been incredibly eye opening, and makes me feel sad about the way I’ve treated myself in the past. I look back and think wtf, I completely discredited so many beautiful conversations and shared experiences and lessons and quality time by assuming that people I love and care about keep me around because I look a certain way. Hindsight is always 20-20.
This assumption - that your worth is dictated by your appearance - must be challenged to bring your physical appearance in to perspective.
To do so, a good starting point is to list all of the personal qualities you possess that represent who you are. What about yourself are you proud of? What do you like about yourself? What qualities do those around you value? Are you a good listener, are you knowledgeable about a specific topic, are you a hard worker, do you always make time for your loved ones, are you kind? Be specific and thorough.
For me, I wear my heart on my sleeve and share my emotions and experiences freely with those around me. This makes them comfortable to share their emotions too, knowing that I will always listen judgement free. I am a good listener. I love learning and I love learning from others. I’m a hard worker and a good role model for those who look to me to role model for them. I am adventurous and I love sharing that with others. I am good at my job and provide a quality to service for my team. I dress like a dag at times and that has meant people around me feel comfortable to do the same. My clients come to train in baggy ripped trackies and comment that they’d known I’d wear the same. My friends come over in PJ’s often. I’m a great bird and cat mum. Jacky and Princess really trust me to look after them, which is such a compliment since they are very small and vulnerable. I’m proud that I own a home with a garden that I was able to build from scratch with the person I love. I could go on.
I don’t know for sure but I’m pretty confident that my friends and loved ones care more about these things than how my abs are looking or if my tan is blended well.
To negate the idea that your self worth depends on your appearance, you need to draw attention to these qualities that you possess. You need to hear your self talk say “it’s my wonderful, beautiful, unique internal qualities that I possess that determine my worth; not what I look like.”
“Women who are not vain enjoy a freedom other’s don’t.”
— Julia Baird
2. Physically attractive people have it all.
Society’s preoccupation with and marketing of physical attractiveness portrays this image that being good looking yields benefits that us mere mortal, average looking people could only dream of; that bountiful career opportunities, thriving social lives and glamorous dating scenes are all there for the taking, for those that fit the mould. I f*cking love Sex And The City but it’s a much too perfect example of media cultivating these feelings.
The truth is, being good looking is sometimes advantageous. However, this does not mean that being average looking or less prevents opportunities for happiness.
Think about the people close to you; those that are important in your life. Are they all perfect 10’s? Probably not. Chances are you keep them close to you for other reasons — because they’re kind, generous, warm, intelligent, honest or funny. If I look at those closest to me, I admire them for their confidence, their bravery, their generosity, their love for adventure, their rawness. Think about the value your friends play in your life and in the lives that they touch in their families, work places and their own friendship circles. You keep them close despite them lacking physical perfection and they experience their own successes without being perfect physical creatures.
I once completed this exact activity in my diary after reading for the millionth time that “you are the sum of the five people closest to you.” I wrote down my closest five people and the qualities that first came to mind when I thought of them. I didn’t list pretty, toned, plumped glutes or strong jaw line. These characteristics are for from why I keep them so close to me and sure don’t represent why I’d be pumped to be influenced by the wonderful people that they are.
Now think about people you’ve dated. You may not want to journal about these guys. Their days in the journal have passed. But have you ever given someone a chance despite their looks not exactly being your type, then over time their looks have grown on you because of what lay beneath the surface? First impressions don’t always last. We come to see good people as increasingly good looking, the more we get to know them. This applies to how others view you too.
Similarly, have you ever dated someone hot as hell only for them to wind up a total jerk and in hindsight you wonder what you saw in them? Again, first impressions don’t always last, no matter how striking their features are. If you’re a hot asshole, this applies to you too.
Paradoxically, being physically attractive can actually even be disadvantageous. If we believe good looking people reap certain social benefits and that they are aware of their privilege, we can label them as self-absorbed and opportunistic. Similarly we can stereotypes attractive males as having low emotional intelligence and females as ditzy and stupid, among other unfair stereotypes. The very attractive are also more frequently sexualised and since beauty is an extremely weak foundation for self esteem, often experience more feelings of self doubt and vulnerability than those less attractive. These experiences can complicate and even cancel the benefits of their looks. But we choose not to see that. Sure we criticise and judge based on these stereotypes. I’m sure you’ve done this on socials before. But we never pause to ponder the effect this may have on the glorious looking creature at the receiving end. “They don’t know pain or sadness; they’ve got it all.”
3. If people knew how I really look, they probably wouldn’t like me so much.
This assumption has a strong foundation of shame. You worry about what would happen if the truth of your appearance was revealed. The problem is that for as long as you hide the part of your appearance that you dislike, this assumption can never be tested, and so it continues to control and have power over you. Because you conceal your appearance out of shame and fear of judgement, you never have the opportunity to disprove it. And the hiding makes you feel worse, like you’re hiding some ugly secret.
You need to disprove this assumption, which you can do with two simple but not so easy tests.
Test how you respond to the appearance of people around you. Have you ever become privvy to some imperfection in a loved one, then liked them less? Or even just seen them in their less dolled-up state and decided they were less wonderful than you thought they were? Probably f*cking not. My partner and I had dinner with a girlfriend a few months ago. It was the first time I had seen her without make up on [which I noticed because she usually has sassy flicked eye liner]. When my partner and I got in the car to drive home, we both commented on how beautiful she looked. And yet, in years of friendship, this was the first time I had seen her without her fabulous eye liner. Like without any prompting, we were both like “f*ck she has some natural beauty.” Dare I say that’s probably more like the response you have when you see a loved one looking more raw.
Test how the people around you respond to your unconcealed appearance. It will be scary, but I’m confident you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the result. As I mentioned earlier, after five years of religious weekly fake tanning, I recently stopped. I went walking with my best friend a few weeks ago. It felt like such a big deal to go out without my tan on. Admittedly, I was self-conscious and nervous. When I finally made the bold statement of “can you believe I’ve stopped tanning?!” she was like, “so sorry Bill, I really hadn’t noticed.” And the conversation changed topics with no climax. That was it. I was so proud and she didn’t give a f*ck. I haven’t tanned since.
By disproving the assumption, my self talk recognised that while my complexion has it’s flaws, the quality of my relationships is unaffected. I still have a blast with my friends and they still think I’m pretty cool. I’m sure your self talk would have a similar discovery, if only you allowed yourself to challenge the assumption.
Coming out of hiding is scary; you will likely fear that you will be rejected or judged. But I’m gonna guess that for as long as you remain in hiding, the worry and the fear of revealing yourself is probably making you feel pretty bad too. Would it feel that much worse to stop concealing what you really look like? Is it possible you’re making this in to a bigger issue than it really is? There’s a [kinda] easy way to find out.
“History demonstrates that attractiveness is not a prerequisite for success in most endeavours of life other than certain media, performance or modelling roles. Golda Meir, Eleanor Roosevelt, Margaret Thatcher and Mother Teresa would be unlikely winners of a beauty contest.”
— Dr Thomas Cash
4. My life would be happier if I looked a certain way.
An interesting phenomenon that I see very often in my work is when people look back at old photos of themselves when they were younger and lighter and say “I can’t believe I thought I needed to lose weight then. I wish I looked like that now.” This comment blows my mind because our mind games are so obvious. If you didn’t think you looked good enough when you looked like that before, what makes you think you’ll feel good enough if you look like that this time? It’s so obvious to me, but they can’t see it. They’re adamant it will be different.
While there is no direct harm in pursuing improvements in your appearance, the harm lies in not permitting yourself to be happy until your appearance has changed. It’s a constant game of “I’ll be happy when…” Since the changes in your appearance that you are working towards are unlikely to make you feel satisfied in the absence of addressing your body image, you’re unknowingly dooming yourself to a life of dissatisfaction and endless yearning. For as long as you’re waiting for some external change to grant you permission to be free, you’ll be locked in your cage of self-rejection.
Modifying your appearance is a band-aid fix; it’s misdirected effort. If you are unhappy with your looks and want to feel better permanently [not just fleetingly when you are having a skinny day], you need to focus on your mind instead of your looks. I often say “if you don’t like yourself now, you won’t like yourself 10kg lighter either.”
What makes you unhappy is not your physical appearance. It’s your wish to change it that sells you short and robs you of your self acceptance. Changing your appearance will do little to improve your quality of life. Changing your perception of your appearance though has the power to change your life completely.
We need to change our self talk to say “I recognise that my appearance doesn’t really prevent me from being happy. I do know this. I make myself unhappy by trying to live up to my idealised image. Once I learn to accept my looks, my life will be much happier. That responsibility lies with me; not my body.”
It’s a pretty (very) cringe film but the message is solid: I Feel Pretty.
5. I don’t need to change my body image; I need to change my body.
My clients often come to me with lofty weight loss goals. They believe that only once they achieve them would they have a positive body image. When I suggest body image homework, it’s like I’m doing them a huge disservice and missing the point. They think I don’t understand what they need so they can be happy.
Maybe they’ve lost weight before and it felt pretty good for a while. But if all the diets and all the gym memberships haven’t made you feel good about yourself in the long term, you do need to ask yourself honestly if another one is the solution. What is the actual problem — your weight or your body image?
You need to tackle this assumption head on. “I’ve spent too much of my life trying to change my looks. What I actually need to do is focus on the real problem and real solutions. Fixing my appearance feels good in the moment, but it just doesn’t last. I just continue to find other flaws and other things I need to change to be happy. The best way I can like my body is to work directly on my body image. That’s the real problem I need to fix.”
“Physically attractive people are not necessarily happier than less attractive people. Good-looking people have their body image wish lists too.”
— Dr Thomas Cash
If you can recognise that you’re unhappy with your appearance and have work to do in the way of self acceptance, I beg of you to stick with it. You’ll read hundreds of articles and books, your loved ones will tell you that you look beautiful the way you are, everyone you follow on IG will advocate for body positivity and it will all feel like total bullsh*t. They don’t understand what it’s like for you, right? Until one day, something just lands; you hear something at exactly the time that you need to hear it. Then everything changes. Stick with it for as long as it takes to find that freedom. It is there and it feels pretty damn sweet.
Billie xx